This week I continued to get things done for my residency application. The background check came via DHL on Monday and I got my bank account set up. The only things to do now are to are get a lease from Mounir, translate background check, get passport photos and everything stamped. Mounir is out of town for a week so I’m hoping to have everything done around April first. Its crunch time, I guess. The only big challenge I have is getting the paperwork I have translated… wish me luck.
This week was the week of animals coming into my life. A ginger kitty decided he was going to adopt us at the beginning of the week. He is young and sweet. He came in at night to stay with us and was gone all day like kitty’s do. After 2 nights of him staying, I have seen him only once in the neighborhood. I’m sure he will be back to visit again soon.
I also saw a young male dog that I met on the way down the hill a little while back. He is a little thin and I am not sure if he has a home. A week ago we saw him on a walk to the bus stop and fed him some sausage we bought at one of the shops. I hadn’t seen him since. The other day I was thinking about him and he popped up next to me on the way home from a walk. I was happy he found me. It was like he knew I was thinking about him. He walked me home and I offered him to come up to the apartment but, he was afraid of the door. So, I went up and got him some food and water. We sat together for about 45 minutes on the front porch, until he left my side. Once again, the Moroccan animals give me companionship and comfort.
I’m having my coffee this morning and I realized that for the first time I look to the future without a plan. I know that over the next few weeks I will continue to work on my novel and my residency. Past that I see nothingness. I’m not sure how I feel about it or what it means to me. It’s not that I feel uncertainty, it’s more like I’m comfortable not knowing. I have no long term plans and I feel no anxiety over it. Being the control freak I am, this is a new sensation for me. I wonder, am I finally living in the moment, being present? These are terms I have never fully understood, honestly, so I am not really sure.
Thoughts of not having future plans ran into the next few days. I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about this. I don’t know if I ever really had a future plan during every phase of my life. I just know this is the first time I look and see nothing. In the past, I’ve always seen something. I am also trying to figure out why this is, without much luck.
Part of me thinks it may be because of the book I am writing. It is based on my life in Costa Rica. I am spending so much time looking back and seeing some of my present self in my past self. Sometimes you realize that no matter how things can change they inherently stay the same. We all want to grow and change. Yet sometimes, I think that, people don’t really change. The things that have shaped us at a young age have just plain made us who we are. Like it or not. I can say that looking back to such a formidable time in my life is not easy. I wonder if this is affecting my ability to look forward.
I know that I have learned along the way, that life has its own ideas. No matter how much planning we do or desire we have, life is going to play out the way it is meant to. If is not meant to happen it won’t and what is meant to happen won’t until the exact moment it is supposed to. It’s a tough lesson to learn but it’s the one that teaches us to let go. Now, I’m not saying that I have learned this lesson completely. I wouldn’t be living with high levels of anxiety some days, if I had. I do know, though, that I know that the best-laid plans can go awry. I’ve been the cruel victim of fate one to many time to not realize this. I have had this realization for a long time so, I don’t think, at this point, it is why I see nothing.
Is it because I have reached a level of contentment with my life? So much so, that no matter what happens I will be OK with it? That, right now, it really doesn’t matter? With all the looking back I am currently doing, reliving the past, I know that I have been through a lot and can handle what life throws at me. Although, being 100% human as I am, I am tired and don’t want to have to handle any more curve balls from life. I just want a simple easy life. Ha ha…wouldn’t that be nice?The future is nothing to fear, nor has it ever been for me. I just am left feeling like I should feel something about not seeing anything in the future. What I want to see is a mystery and I guess that is okay. I don’t have a crystal ball nor do I have any resounding desires to do or be anything or anywhere. So, maybe the truth is I have learned something already in my journey here in Morocco… to just be. xo