there is a beauty in truth

This week I had every intention on catching you all up on the past 10 days or so. After all, this week marks my 3 month anniversary in Morocco. A lot has happened, as you will know if you follow me on Facebook. I promise to catch you all up soon. But, for now there is something weighing on me and I’m going to use you and this forum to process whats going on in my head and heart. Mostly because most things I don’t usually speak with my friends on these issues and tend to analyze it to death in my mind, leading to great anxiety. At this point in my life Im trying my best to better myself in order to have the strongest relationships I can and in turn heal the child inside of me.

Anyone who knows me well enough, knows… the one thing I have the least tolerance for is a lie. It’s just something I refuse to have in my life, if I can help it. Because really, how can you have trust in a lie? White lies, broken promises, fabrication, exaggeration, deception and secrets… a lie is a lie is a lie.

Another thing anyone who knows me well enough, knows… I live within a high level of integrity. My word is my bond. After all, without your word what do you have? This means, you will be hard pressed to catch me in a lie. I tend to hold the people closest to me to the same standard. Which is probably why I have few people who are close to me. I have a hard time keeping people in my life who cannot satisfy my need for trust and integrity. Yeah, sure integrity is a big word. Its huge.

in·teg·ri·ty  /inˈteɡrədē/ noun 1. the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.
“he is known to be a man of integrity”
synonyms: honesty, probity, rectitude, honor, good character, principle(s), ethics, morals, righteousness, morality, virtue, decency, fairness, scrupulousness, sincerity, truthfulness, trustworthiness “I never doubted his integrity”
2. the state of being whole and undivided.
“upholding territorial integrity and national sovereignty”
synonyms: unity, unification, coherence, cohesion, togetherness, solidarity “the integrity of the federation”

The definition says it all…

I know exactly why I cannot tolerate a lie. It started what seems like a lifetime ago… I fell for someone. I was 19. He made me feel special. He took me to the Bahamas and at 19 that was everything. He was from Chicago. I met him in Ft. Lauderdale. I was swept up and swept away. We made plans to move to California. But, first we went to New Jersey. He met my Dad. Then, he asked me to marry him. He bought me a 1 carat diamond ring. It was like a fairy tale. But, like most fairy tales, there was a dark side… and not all end happily. He wound up leaving me alone in a hotel room in Arizona with nothing but the clothes on my back. It turns out he lied to me about many of the aspects of is life, leaving me broken and jaded as a young girl. Issues of trust and abandonment were prevalent in my life from that moment on. So much so, that for at least 10 years from that fated day in Arizona, each year when that day in November rolled around I found myself physically and emotionally ill. It was my subconscious not letting me forget the pain I endured. I knew that I never wanted to make anyone feel the pain that I had felt. This is why I strive to have the integrity that I do. But also, because somewhere in my heart and mind I know that my drive for perfection in integrity, it resides somewhere so very close to my fear of abandonment… that if I let up on it I would feel that pain, again,  of feeling unwanted… abandoned.

I can’t wrap my head around why people lie to those they love. They say psychologically people lie to paint a better picture of themselves, connecting their fantasy to the person they wish they were rather than the person they are. This makes sense in the terms of the person my 19-year-old self had to deal with. But what about my other relationships and friendships? They also say that  close relationships are based on interdependence. Interdependence refers to mutual influence. Your actions have an impact on the others behavior and vice versa. Interdependence creates a lot of rewards – people get ahead in life by being connected to someone else. As interdependence increases, telling the truth is essential. To create positive outcomes through our friendships and relationships, we need to know and understand each other. On the other hand, interdependence also creates many constraints, especially in intimate relationships. As interdependence increases, people are no longer free to do what they want, when they want, with whom they want. So as we get closer to someone, telling the truth becomes more important but, it also starts posing more risk. They say that intimate partners are more concerned about what we are thinking, how we feel, and how we behave. Our thoughts, feelings and behaviors have a direct impact on a partner’s well-being. When interdependence is high, however, telling the truth is important. Telling the truth allows people to coordinate their actions, create intimacy and closeness. But, interdependence also makes deception more likely. Telling the truth in a close relationship can lead to increased conflict, negativity and it can restrain one’s goals. Yes I understand it all.

…But what I still don’t understand is why people in my life do it to me knowing how I am. One of them is my own mother, she lies in the form of keeping secrets. These secrets start out that way, then, lead her to lie about things right to my face. I don’t get why people hide the truth from me. Do they take my kindness for weakness? Do they think I can’t handle the truth?  Are they trying to spare my feelings? Listen, with all that I’ve been through in this lifetime, I have seen and heard a lot. I can handle anything that comes my way. I’ve proven that just by surviving my “truth is stranger than fiction” life. There aren’t many I can name that could walk in my shoes and come out the other end without becoming an addict of some sort, or maybe even alive, for that matter. (because yes, my 19-year-old self put a razor blade to my writs) You dont become strong by not having lived a life of pain. So, for the people I love the most to keep secrets and lie to me is heartbreaking. For they dont see the strength in me or the life I’ve lived that has made me who I am. They dont see the diplomatic mind I have or the heart that is willing to give all that it can. It all makes me feel so very disconnected.

In the end, maybe I do lie… to myself. Maybe I lie to myself that these people don’t love me. Maybe they do, and these secrets and lies come from a place of love and protection of some sort… one that I may never fully understand. For I have conditioned myself to live a life of integrity, one so very far from a lie. So, I will try and learn to not look at these lies and question their intention. But, really, its my heart I’m trying to protect and just because I’ve endured a lot of pain and grown strong… I know I dont want to feel anymore of it. So, at the end of the day, I hope that these, my closest relationships, can one day find the trust, intimacy and closeness they deserve. I hope the other people in my life will take the time to understand who I am. Truth be told, I am a good and understanding person who will not hold anyone in judgment who speaks their truth. I guess all I can say is THIS IS ME…love it or leave it lol.