when you look at the sky and it tells you to have hope

Its been 2 months since my flight landed in Rabat and I started my new adventure and new life. There were so many reasons I came here. So many reasons I need things to change, both within me and outside of me. I needed a break from the everyday struggles. I needed a break from the pain and the heartache. But, as we all know, you can’t run from things, for some are within, and follow where ever you go. My Dad always said, “You are wherever you go.” Besides that, we also know that you can’t change people, we can only change ourselves and our reaction to them. All, so much easier said than done. I am only human and dealing with the pains of my past, both physical and emotional…and its hard to overcome and just be happy.

Happy is a word I’ve struggled with for over 20 years. It was one of the last words spoken to me by my father. The last time I saw him he uttered the words, “I love you baby, just be happy.” HAPPY hapē/ adjective 1. feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. HAPPINESS hapēnəs/ noun 1. the state of being happy. Ever since that day I’ve searched outward and within for happiness. As I read the definition, I feel that I am happy. But, then, why sometimes do I feel it is missing? Most days I am stong enough and allow my mind’s eye to only look forward. These are the best day for sure. Then, some days, overcoming my past, my demons and my past abuse…without the conscious effort, I slip back into allowing my mind to revert to a time, a place in my heart and mind that is so far from my present situation, I allow myself to be hurt and hurtful. So, within this new life I am building for myself, I still struggle.

I am in a peaceful safe place with someone who is kind, understanding, patient and loving. I am afforded the time to give my body a break from work and stress to heal. It is the pains of the heart, the disappointments, the betrayals from the past that haunt me. Why is it always those that are closest to you cause you the most pain? Even through forgiveness and acceptance, the pain still remains. It is unconditional love that I (and all of us) desire, but why sometimes can it be elusive to give and receive?

view of the hill where I live

So, as I live and breathe within this new life I’ve created, a life were I’m learning how to heal and let go…. 2 months feel like a lifetime. I am learning to accept the people and situations I cannot change. Although, there are moments when the conscious effort I put forth slips away from me, I know am changing. I know I am healing. So, much like the hill I climb everyday to my home, the battle to continue this process, I know, will be uphill. Some days easier, some days harder. For I am not perfect and these things take time. I just need to learn to have patience with myself and those around me. I have nothing but love to give. And give, I always do. For as, much as I need to change the things I can, this is one thing that is just intrinsically who I am and will never change.

daily reminders

It was the day of the 18th I was on a walk and found this graffiti on a wall. (2 months form Octobet 18th) What a lovely reminder of all that I have and how lucky I am. Even as I learn to heal my heart and emotions, I have also found something that helps heal my body. Argan Oil!  

haha! the Moroccan goats love the Argan Trees

Not only is it great for your skin and hair, if you take 2 tablespoons a day it eases joint pain. I bought some culinary argan oil, started taking it and within a few days I felt the difference! I also purchased cosmetic argan oil for my skin and hair… But I digress, I continued on my walk and found myself much further south than I think I had been before. I found my way to the main road and headed toward the beach. I always find the ocean to be calming and healing to my mind. On this day, I think I just wanted to get out of the house and explore.  I got to the beachm it was a Sunday, another busy beach day. The waves were bigger than usual so the surfers, surf camps and families were out enjoying the day. I was disappointed to find the benches that I usually sit on were taken away at some point over the past few days. So, I just kept walking and observing, taking in the beach day. (With no benchs I wound up walking for 3 hours straight that day, outside of two 5 minute breaks!) There were more camels and horses out today available for riding, along with two of the cutest miniature horses.

Today more people seemed to speak to me. I was even offerd a free camle ride (!!!!)m which I declined. I found a place to sit for a minute to rest my achy back, and an older man I had spoken to on my first walk to the beach approached. He sells nuts on the beach to the beach goers. He noticed me right away, and sat down beside me. We exchanged pleasantries, for he doesn’t speak much English. He must have asked me 20 times how my family was. LOL The truth is he is nice enough, but a but of a perverted old man. I know enough Darija to know that he speaks of kissing me. Besma is Moroccan for kiss. So, when he offers me his nuts for free…or on credit, I politely decline. Of course when he shakes my hand as he leaves, he tickles my palm with his first finger… Yup a pervert.

As I was heading back up the beach to give it one more look, someone yelled out to me “hello!”. I said hello and he asked my name. He couldn’t hear, as he was at a distance. So, he approached me. His name was Youssef. A young guy looking to be in his early 20s. He speaks English which was a nice surprise. He told me he lives at the bottom of the hill in front of the mosque. We exchanged numbers because he seemed nice enough and perfectly harmless. Most of the time, when I speak to someone, the conversation ends when I tell them about Rouchdi. I think Youssef is looking for a friend and someone to help him improve his English skills. Hey, that’s fine by me…. maybe I will learn some Moroccan Arabic in the process.

So, on my 2 month anniversary, I made my first friend here in Morocco. I look forward to everything my life here has in store for me…the adventures, the explorations, the learning, the growing and the changing. I look for the reaizationa of hopes and dreams and a beatuiful future. I look forward to the healing, the realizations, the insights but most of all the love. The love I’m learning to give my self and love I’m learning how to express proerly to Rouchdi. Even more I look forward the love I am receiving from the most “perfect for me” man I have ever met.